OK . Sorry about this .

Due to various carrying on at work by our higher ups we have had to change the date back to the original 20th April for the Chuffer Cup .

Sorry it’s short notice but hopefully nothing else interferes and also people haven’t got to change plans to accommodate this change

Well other things stay the same —- mine is still Tenants !

Ta

A Chuffer

Friday the 13th? Hmmm!
For the superstitious amongst us not a good day to be tramping around a golf course with scores of hungover (or in some cases still drunken) boat trash wielding 9 irons and driving golf buggies.
However needs must and the great and the good once more gathered en masse for the annual homage to Jim.
The previous evening had seen a sizeable gathering assemble in the “Globe” for the usual mix of dominoes and abuse coupled with the much missed banter and gentle Scottish lilt of Mein host Jan. It’s strange how much I miss that pub during the year, it’s like coming home to old friends and family walking over the threshold, and I have only attended for four years.
Tales of daring do on the high seas were exchanged and excuses in lieu of bad golfing performances were put in early. Even the Injured turned up. Steve Thompson could not be forgiven for not playing, seeing as the surgeons had inserted a seven Iron into his leg. But spare a thought for poor old Chris Toner who was given the sad news by the doctors that his golfing days were over due to a condition known as Pie eaters arm.
Ford and Fairlamb..The North East’s reigning Dominoes champions..(Fairlamb for actual dominoes..Ford for Pizzas) once again were soundly thrashed by Jan and her playing partner, who looked more like a school librarian than a dominoes player.
Witchcraft was employed as they seemed to know just what dominoes each other had all the time. It may have also been the Tennants that Callum was throwing down his neck at a steady rate.

Game day!

Hung over and travel weary, drunken and limping. bad backs creaking, limbs stiff.  Still, that’s enough of Neil McIntyre and Tim Dyer for now. Rae and Len were there to receive the arrivals, collect the dosh (Rae) and hand out the scorecards, disappointing many when they saw the handicaps they had received. I have to say that most handicap awards were spot on, but spare a thought for Callum when he was once again given Russ.

A late start this year due to another society playing meant for many they could eat a hearty breakfast at leisure and still get to the course on time. Unless you eat four hearty breakfasts, the hotel cat, four Mars bars and arrive late, only to push to the front of the queue of people waiting patiently to order their evening meal from the lovely Kay and express surprise when told that they had only ONE choice from the starter main and dessert menu. Mackems !

Right lads, Toner and Ford have bagged the lot, but I can offer you Crips and a packet of Polo mints"

A shortage of golf buggies meant that Harrison and Ford (not so much Han Solo..more Chewbacca and Chew anything) were given the Golf pro’s buggy for the day. For those that did not witness this contraption it looked more like the buggy from the 1970’s Banana Splits TV series for those old enough to remember it. It looked even more like it when the pair of them sat in it. Drooper and Bingo.

The weather was set fine as the first group teed off, they were to be the lucky ones, safely back in the clubhouse by the time the heavens opened. More of that later.

The going proved to be slow, a full course and people (nameless ones) slicing into bushes and trees, gardens and bunkers, back out of bunkers and into the gardens again, and that was just my fourball! Made the first few holes tortuous, so tortuous in fact that only a can of Fosters and a nip of jaigermeister could console me. Neil McIntyre went one better, no, Neil McIntyre went several better and decided the best way through the day was to get hammered from the off. It paid dividends though, Is Fosters lager a performing enhancing drug? It’s lucky for him that it is not classed as one, In fact my experience tells me that it has the opposite effect, just ask our lass. Ahem!

Andy Sinnott will most certainly be ruing his misfortune of turning up with a hole in the arse of his trousers bigger than Jan’s vocabulary of obscenities; it seemed to put him off as his game plunged new depths over the course of the opening four holes, a more dismal performance not played out since Chris Toner last attended weightwatchers.

However as the early afternoon was exchanged for late, so were the wispy white clouds and sun for ominous looking dark skies..Golfers began checking their bags for waterproofs and umbrellas, only to find that they had left them in the boots of cars in order to carry more beer.

By the time this Author had made the 12th hole the heavens opened. Hailstones the size of golf balls rained down on me, until I realised I had wandered into the practice area. No, hailstones the size of…well you get the drift.

And boy did it come down. It even made Phil Lanczak put a waterproof on, and he is from Derby! People scuttled for cover as the storm refused to loosen its grip, unfortunately it loosened mine, and I had the misfortune of sending my club further than the ball on the 14th.

The picture above shows you a pair of tyre tracks seeming to cross over. No, it isn’t an optical illusion, just the result of Russ attempting to negotiate a slight gradient when he lost control and did a complete 360 at speed. The look on his and Callum’s face will remain with me the rest of my life, worth the entrance money alone. I have never seen Callum move so fast since he heard it was buy one get one free at Gregg’s.

As rain and hail eventually relented and the early evening sunlight cast shadows over the 18th green, the remaining few sodden brave golfers made their way back to the clubhouse, it was like witnessing a scene from the winners enclosure at a racecourse…weary thoroughbreds…steam rising from their backs, having completed the course, given their all for the sake of the chase. Ahh ! Evoking such sporting visions, and then, such visions shattered into a thousand pieces…..into view comes that damn buggy with Drooper and Bingo. For some reason, as I watched them trundle up the 18th fairway I just couldn’t get the theme tune of Steptoe and Son out of my head.

And so to the dinner and prize giving. After a hearty meal washed down with the usual, and hard luck stories told to anyone that cared to listen, prizes were awarded. Len and June once again doing a sterling job as Masters of ceremonies thanked those for attending and handed out the winners and runners up prizes. The winner, repeating his 2004 triumph at Kirkudbright was Phillip Cameron.

Runner up was Tommy Mulhearn and third place went to Neil McIntyre and his three crates of Fosters. The  Fourth place went to David Patterson. becoming the first man to achieve all four placings.Nearest the pin went to Neil Patterson continuing the Patterson stranglehold on the competition. The John Steele Trophy (Longest Drive)   was won by Michael Ramsey. Is it me or is the longest drive ball in the same position every year at this course? coming to rest somewhere near where I am taking my third shot from. Chuffer Duffer was Gordon McAllister for the second time in three years.

Next year sees the inaugural award of the McConnachie Cup for Bouffant of the day. The winner will be chosen for coiffeurial elegance and Doug will be on the Judging panel.

An additional award of the best pressed underpants, the “Chris Toner kecks” shield was deemed inappropriate by the committee.

Jim’s Brother Paul, missed out on the longest drive and was seen crying into his beer at midnight. Russ was overheard saying that he should win that as he drives all the way from Kent.

Alana once again excelled at selling the raffle tickets and arranging the draw; prizes were won by many, and thanks to those who were magnanimous enough to put their winning numbers back in after claiming one prize. Despite this Callum still won nothing.

Over 500 quid was raised for charity from the raffle. Thanks to everyone’s generosity.

Next year 2012, the year of Olympians. Which Chuffer Olympian will rise to the top and claim the coveted laurel wreath?  Will it be you?

Come one Come all, Come for the Golf,  come to meet friends past and present, come for the beer and banter, but best of all, Come for the memory of Jim.

See you next year.

Hello All ,

Just thought it’s about time I mentioned Robertson and Emma who run Ferintosh Guest House and look after us each year . Welcomed with a NIP ( in capitals because it’s a big NIP ) of some obscure single malt and totally wasted on me to appreciate it  except to say I drink it like any other whisky .

Breakfasts are not three bad either and always accompanied with good conversation in the morning . Word of advise though . They have 2 lovely dogs who greet me each year with suspicion . I stood accidently on the paw of one and believe me I think it’s not only elephants that don’t forget !

Does those socks remind any one of Norah Batty ?

A Chuffer